If I Could Speak
by CurseOfTheEnder
Summary: To stumble isn't to fall, just as to leap isn't to fly. To not speak means not that you're stubborn, but perhaps rather that you lack the ability thereof. In a world that feels too unreal, is anything true? That's what a mute who doesn't even understand himself would like to know. (Poofless)
1. Prologue:

**Prologue:**

Darkness, something I've known for a long time. I choose to know it, while others run from it. Darkness is my home, and yet that darkness is warm and comforting, encasing me. And the darkness is not dark.

Sometimes, I believe, the darkest things are the brightest. Where am I? I can't recall, but I suppose the more important question is _who_ am I, rather than where. If that's the case, then _what_ am I? I don't know…

But I don't really care. The darkness is warm. Mother holds me now, and holds me close, for I am in the darkness, and yet encased in the light of the world. So truly where am I?

I can hear the thin strands snapping to and fro; I can feel the warm buzzing that's running through my veins; I can sense something coming, or rather someone, as now the Mother has come to give her blessing unto me. Oh, the sweet Mother, her poisons of the Earth and the nature she gives life too- truly she cherishes the darker things.

The things we tend to hide.

I recall nothing of myself, and yet I know that once upon a time, when I had cares, I would hide things from the world. Do I still? No. I can't help what I don't know. And I'm home. The Mother is with me… and even if she weren't I wouldn't care. I'm home. I'm warm. I'm in the darkness.

That's all I want right now.

Darkness, something I can't seem to escape. I can't run, not with my legs entangled in its web. The substance of all the living, it surrounds me, for my knowledge alone. I'm a desperate fool to encase what's so cold in this lifetime, and yet I can't stop myself.

I am only one man… a man wishing to hold what he cherishes most.


	2. Chapter 1:

**(This book should be updated weekly! Every Wednesday! Thanks for being patient!)**

 **Chapter 1:**

As I sit and stare, I eye the young man before me. So small beneath… all of that… Sometimes I almost want to pull everything off of him… but I know I'd never do that. Sometimes I just like to wish, but… It's only been a day. Just a day…

~Preston~

Lying now, upon something soft, and encased within something rather warm; I don't make an effort to move. I just want to stay in this darkness…

But that _smell_.

I sit up and my head is already spinning, the room around me unfamiliar. _Where was I before this…?_ I don't remember. In fact, I can't remember much at all about myself. _Strange_ … My vision still somewhat blurry, I cast my gaze around the room, but find nothing that sparks my memory. Eventually I slip my legs out from beneath the sheets of this somewhat small bed, and manage to get myself standing. _Where am I?_

My footing uneven and somewhat wobbly, I begin to make my way around, as if walking would clear my vision up. It isn't hard to find the door to the room, and the more I blink the more clearly I can see. I try to push the door open, but it won't budge, and the more I try the wearier I become. _God my head hurts_. Eventually, I decide to give a tug on the knob, and the door gently swings open. _Of course_.

The hallway is rather wide, but empty nonetheless. There's a room across from the one I've just left, and other than that the hallway let's out to three different areas. I gently hug the wall, looking around. To my left is a living room, small and cozy. To my right is another door. Directly in front of me is a kitchen, and within said kitchen is a man that I've never met before, and yet…? The man is tall, a blue hoodie adorning his body. His body seems like a perfect match for the way he's handling himself, moving around in the kitchen as he cooks. A faint stubble covers his chin, and his eyes are a dark chocolate brown. _Oh, he's looking at me_ … His smile is gentle, and the apron around his waist is adorned with multiple different flowers.

"Good morning." I don't respond, as I understand what he's said and yet I don't know how he said it. _My throat feels_... It's almost like I can't breathe, yet I can. I'm fine and yet I can't speak. My throat feels almost as if something's been shoved down it, from my mouth to my lungs. The man continues with his task at hand. "I hope you're hungry," He state. "I'm making breakfast." How does this man form those words? How do I? "Well don't be shy, you can come into the kitchen!" The man gives a faint laugh as he says those words, but how? And how do I?

Cautious, I make my way into the brightly lit up kitchen, large windows surrounding the corner wall and allowing the sunlight to stream inside. Outside, the view was gorgeous. Flowers of all sorts were in bloom, the trees were orange and yellow, red and brown; I could even see some purples. The grass was a rich green, and the forest was looming tall, though the trees couldn't hide the mountains not far off. Careful, I take a seat at the table, watching this strange man flip pancakes as he quietly hums to himself.

"So, what's your name, kid?" I glance up to meet the man's gaze, but I can't respond. It… It's like I just can't remember _how_ to. "Take your time." The man mumbles, returning his gaze to the food. "I'm Robert, by the way. Most people just call me Rob though."

 _Rob… Where have I heard that before?_ Reaching into a cupboard, Rob pulls out two plates, placing them side by side before beginning to pile them with pancakes. Each plate has four pancakes, and each pancake seems different. One has pink dots, another has blue dots, one has dots of a darker brown color, and the final pancake looks to be just a plain pancake. Rob unties the apron with no difficulty, hanging it up on the wall. Rob then picks up both plates, turns, and approaches me.

"Here, eat up." Rob places a plate in front of me. "You look like you could eat a pig." A fork is also given to me, and Rob sets his food down directly across from mine. He moves away, however, wandering over to another cupboard to fish out a glass. He fills the glass with water as I pick up my fork. The pancakes smell heavenly. I bring my fork to the top of the stack, gently stabbing at the fluffy golden batter and tearing off a small chunk. "Do you want any syrup?" Rob asks, and I look to him, placing the small bit of food into my mouth. Rob smiles at me, the sun streaming in from behind him and giving his form a gently blend from behind. "A friend of mine made it. It's maple." Rob begins to drizzle the dark liquid over his food. I briefly hesitate, though nod, the pancakes seeming a bit plain. _Well I am eating a plain 'ol pancake_. Rob reaches over and hands me the small jar the syrup is contained in, and I carefully pour a small amount onto my food. The dark liquid slowly easing its way from its natural resting position and beginning to pool on top of the pancakes is almost as interesting as watching Rob cook. The light shining in through the windows hits the syrup in just the right way, making it light up like flame, the bottle somewhat warm. When the syrup begins to drip down the sides of the pancakes, I stop pouring it, and carefully hand it back to Rob.

I cut into my pancakes with just a fork, stabbing through them afterwards and bringing the pieces to my mouth, syrup gently drizzling from my pancakes back to the plate. The pancakes and syrup mix together in this perfect blend, the syrup with a somewhat strong kick, robust in taste while the pancakes are fluffy, absorbing the syrup and allowing it to seep into the strawberries and blueberries and chocolate mixed into the batter. I lick at my lips, continuing to eat as my stomach begins to growl. _When was the last I ate?_

"I figured you were hungry." Rob states, beginning to slowly eat his own food. "So kid, what's your name?" I look back to Rob as a small bit of syrup begins to drip from the corner of my mouth. _Uh…?_ Rob raises an eyebrow, chewing up the bit of pancake he's just stuck in his mouth. _Uh…_ Rob swallows, as do I. "Okay kid, look." I blink as Rob's face suddenly turns serious, as if I've done something wrong. He leans forward just slightly, placing an elbow down on the table as he folds his arms on top of each other. "The other night I woke up to the nearby volcano. It erupted. I was expecting it, but what I wasn't expecting was to find you passed out and surrounded by magma." _What?_ "You're lucky you aren't hurt; most of the magma seeped into the nearby caves, it always does. You were too close for my comfort. If you had got hurt on _my_ land, _I'm_ the one getting in trouble, does that make sense to you? What were you _thinking_ , going up there? Surely you _must_ have known it was going to erupt, everyone in town knew." Rob goes silent, and sighs, leaning back in his chair.

 _Volcano…? Magma…? Where have I heard those terms before? They're… familiar_.

"Kid," Rob begins again. "What's your name?" I slowly inhale before giving a careful shrug, starting to worry. _Is Rob mad at me?_ Rob raises an eyebrow. "You know your name, right?" Biting at my bottom lip, I shake my head no. _I don't_. Rob eyes me for a while, eyes narrowing as he looks me over. _What do I look like?_ I look down to my food, intertwining my fingers as my hands rest gently in my lap. "You're serious?" Rob questions, and I glance back to him. I slowly nod. "Can you speak?" Rob leans forward again, this curious glint in his gaze. I shrug once more. _I don't know_.

The rest of our breakfast plays out in silence. Rob continues to eat, always glancing up to me, as if I'll suddenly start talking to him, or give a sign that I'm somehow lying. I continue to slowly eat, the food amazing and certainly filling. Rob finishes before I do, and stands, taking his plate and silverware to a sink. The sound of running water is what breaks our silence.

"Alright, well we're going into town." Rob looks to me from over his shoulder. "Are you from Manama?" I shrug, unsure where I'm from. "Do you know anything about yourself?" Rob asks, though I'm not sure I'm supposed to hear that question. Rob sighs, seeming frustrated. "We're going into town; I want you looked at." I finish shortly after the statement, placing my fork down on the syrup covered plate as I lick at my lips. Rob glances to me before walking over, taking my plate from me, and returning to the sink. He doesn't start running the water again, instead he grabs a nearby towel and dries off his hands. "C'mon then, let's go." He says, looking to me. I stand up, placing my hands to my elbows while my arms rest across my stomach. Rob sighs, setting the towel aside and walking past me. I follow him.

The doorway I'd seen earlier, the one across from the living room, leads outside. Outside, the air possesses a slight chill, though Rob doesn't seem effected, and the chill doesn't bother me in the slightest. The flowers gently sway with each light breeze and the trees rustle as leaves fly through the air. There's a barn not far away, on the opposite side of the house from the kitchen. It isn't a fancy barn, though it isn't shabby either. Rob pulls the barn door open, revealing two stalls. One stall is empty and inside the other is a horse. The horse is an amber color, lighter than the syrup was. Its mane is a golden blonde and its eyes are black. Gray sock markings cover its legs, fading from amber to gray starting from its pastern joint. The horse also has a white blaze going down the middle of its face.

"This is Syrup," Rob states as he walks past the horse. "He's a crossbreed of a thoroughbred and a percheron." Rob adds, pulling a thick sheet off of a cart. "Usually I ride him," Rob starts to mess around with the cart, moving it forward, messing with the long poles on either side, the leather straps… "But I've never rode him with another person in the saddle." Rob grabs what I take to be the harness for the cart, walking back towards Syrup's stall. Syrup walks towards the door to greet Rob. "Luckily for me, I bought Syrup as a carting horse anyways." Rob reaches out, gently stroking Syrup's muzzle. "But I doubt you really care to hear any of this." The mutters words cause me to look away, rubbing at my left elbow. _I do care_ …

As I stand around waiting for Rob to get Syrup ready to go, I eye the horse, the horse staring me down. His eyes are black, soulless, empty… and yet, they're comforting to stare into. It's almost like another world. It's like I've been in those eyes before, in that darkness they possess. Syrup nickers, as if knowing what I'm thinking about, though I'm not really thinking of anything. I step forward just slightly, outstretching my hand to the horse, and Syrup meets me halfway. I close the distance between us, stepping close to the animal as Syrup huffs, nudging my pale arm. _Do you like me, Syrup?_

"You smell like the syrup in the house." I blink, the statement unexpected. I look to Rob as I feel Syrup's breathing against my bare skin. "Syrup can smell the scent of the syrup you put on your pancakes. He likes syrup, that's why I named him after the liquid." Rob tightens a strap before dusting his hands off, turning to me fully. "He just thinks you have syrup." I look away from them both, a frown dusting my lips as Syrup continues to investigate me. _Oh_ … "C'mon, we're all good. Get in the cart." I walk over to Rob, glancing up to the cart seat. The cart is small but I suppose it doesn't really matter, Rob did say he usually just rode Syrup. I begin to climb into the cart as Rob slides the barn door open fully, Syrup snorting and beginning to paw at the ground. When Rob comes back he pulls himself into the cart seat with ease, picking up what I take to be the reins and clicking his tongue. Syrup begins forward.

The forest is even more beautiful when you're surrounded by everything. The sound of the cart moving along this dirt road is peaceful, and the birds are singing, the woodland critters noisy and yet that noise is a bliss to listen too. Rob is silent, a frown seeming to have made its home permanently on his face. He hasn't smiled since I woke up, and he saw me standing there. _Rob must hate me_ … Syrup remains at a nicely paced trot, and has been at that pace since exiting the barn. Out here, Syrup's coat looks slight makes me want to sleep, but I'm not all that tired.

Every time I glance to Rob, I find him in the same position, unmoved. He just stares forward, stares at Syrup or ahead of Syrup, frowning, never looking at me, never saying a word. When Rob did spare me a glance, it was only for a split second, and immediately afterwards he sighs, as if I'm bugging him. I stop looking at him after that.

It's a relief when we finally get to town after what seems to be a 20-minute cart ride. The town is buzzing with life, Rob smiling as people wave at him, though not many do.

"You don't remember anything?" I look to Rob, finding his gaze elsewhere. He glances to me and I shake my head no. "Well uh… do you think anything could spark your memory? Your parents must be worried sick." _How old am I? I can't be that much younger than him, right…?_ "There," Rob points over towards a building, and I look at it for a while, not sure what it's supposed to be. "That's a zoo, it's one of the only ones all over Extremis featuring a mob collection, the damn bastards…" Rob mutters the last words under his breath, tightening the grip on Syrup's reins. Syrup snorts. As we ride throughout town, I notice the same colors decorating the streets that were decorating the trees. There are people everywhere, food everywhere as well. I guess Rob notices my curiosity over the décor, because he sighs. "Right now Manama is celebrating the Harvest. If you think this is big then you should see how they celebrate over in Waterworks." I shrug when Rob looks at me again. "Nothing? You still don't remember anything…? Damn… Oh well, we're here anyways."

Rob spends his time directing Syrup over towards another much large barn, a man coming over and taking his reins for him. Syrup stops and paws at the ground. Rob hops out of the cart, having a conversation with the man that's holding his reins while I slowly make my descent to the ground.

"Alright kid, come on." Rob places a hand on my left shoulder and begins to walk me off rather quickly, and as I look over my right shoulder I see people taking Syrup – and the cart – elsewhere. I glance to Rob with confusion. He doesn't notice.

The inside of the building is mainly a lot of white, the color almost seeming to blur the farther and farther into the building we get. I can see red in a few places and hear different people talking, everyone's words seeming to blur together. The building's roof is extremely high up, to me at least. And I can't exactly remember what happens next.

" _How is he?_ "

" _He's alright._ "

" _And you, how have you been? Have you been coping well?_ "

" _…_ _I guess so_."

" _Are your friends around to help you through this? That would be my suggestion, mister…_ "

The next thing I recall is someone's hand to my face and suddenly everything around me is smaller, more condensed. I'm sitting on a table, a kind, gentle looking woman in front of me. Her eyes are somewhat blurry to me, though she isn't crying. _The light behind her is just playing tricks on my head_. The woman's eyes are a soft brown, my vision unable to focus on them very well.

"Hello there." She mumbles, smiling. "You're suffering from amnesia, honey. You don't remember who you are, do you? Your family? Friends?" I shake my head no, confused. She giggles softly. "I didn't think so. It's alright, you'll get better. You can't talk either, can you? From how thin your vocal cords are it isn't a surprise. You never developed them properly; it's almost like you've never spoken a word in the 23 years you been alive." _I'm 23? Rob treats me like I'm nine_ … The woman giggles again before leaving the room. _What the hell was all that about?_


	3. Chapter 2:

**Chapter 2:**

Sitting beside him is weird, in a sense. His pale skin, the marks… Everything adorning his body as if he's some sort of… I don't know. I want it all gone. I want it thrown away, I want him to be free of… all of that. But I know I'd never do it. It's still only been a day. Just a day…

~Preston~

There's this warmth on my side that I can't explain. I want to hold onto it. Never let it go. It makes me feel safe…

I gently rub my head against the firm object, yawning silently. I crack an eye open and in front of me I see the color blue, and hands holding reins. My body leaning against Rob, I can feel my face flush, and glance up to find his gaze elsewhere, not paying attention to me. _Are you not upset anymore…?_ I cast my vision forwards and listen to Syrup as he snorts slightly, the sounds of nature all flooding back around me. _This is nice_.

It isn't long at all before we're back at Rob's home, and that's when he finally looks down to me. He tenses.

"How long have you been awake?" I meet his gaze as I slowly sit up, glancing around as he looks away again. "I, uh… I'll assume not very long." Rob clears his throat. "The doctor I had you see said that you have amnesia, and you have it pretty bad. You must've hit your head when the volcano erupted, or something like that." The barn walls around us is a familiar comfort, Syrup nickering as Rob slows him to a stop. We both climb out of the cart, and I step back to let Rob do whatever it is that needs done. "The doctor said that he couldn't determine who you were. He couldn't take a DNA sample either; he said something about not being able to find your blood vein?" I glance down at my snow white arms, but I don't see any notation of a blood vein either and bring my hands together, fingers intertwining. "So, he decided that it would be best if you stayed with me until your memories come back." Rob glances over to me, and I nod, understanding.

After Syrup is free from the cart, Rob walks him back to his stall, allowing the horse to trot inside and begin eating the leftover food from the ground. Rob sighs, glancing at me once again before returning to the cart. He climbs up into the back and begins to grab stuff, stuff I didn't notice he brought. _Or did he get it all in town? Now that I think about it, I can't remember what all we… he, did_.

"If you're staying here," Rob begins, jumping down from the cart. "Then you aren't just going to be standing around." I blink, blushing lightly. _That makes sense, I guess_ … "So here, take these." Rob motions me over and I approach, reaching out to take the two baskets and one bag. Rob hands them over before returning his attention to his cart, beginning to drag it towards the back wall. "Take those to the house, I'll be there in a second."

The forest at this time of the year is full of color and life. The sky as clear as crystal and no clouds hovering about, the trees swaying with each breeze. Beyond are the mountains, and the volcano Rob must've been talking about. _That volcano is pretty far off… How much land does Rob own?_ As I stare off into the wilderness, I can see animals big and small all lurking about, eating the grass up or just simply resting nearby. I witness a small little bunny attempting to eat a dandelion, and silently giggle, as the flower is much too big for the bunny. It devours the flower in seconds. I stop laughing.

"Hey," I flinch, Rob suddenly at my back, a hand upon my left shoulder as I look to him. "The house." Rob walks away again, towards his home. I follow closely behind. "We have work to do today, so don't get too comfortable." Rob pauses and I bump into his back. Rob raises an eyebrow. I blush, looking away. "Let's just put the stuff inside and get to work."

" _I have some work I need to get done, the others are waiting on me_."

" _That's fine! We'll keep you updated if anything happens._ "

" _Thank you…_ "

"Can you use an axe?" I blink, looking to Rob. His kitchen is where we are, and yet I don't remember coming inside. I blink again. Rob sighs. "I'll assume no." I place my left hand to my right waist, my right hand finding my left shoulder as I look away from Rob. "You can clean up the yard instead." I look to him. "Come on, I have the tools outside." Once more, Rob leads me out of the house, and off towards the barn. _Déjà vu_.

In the sunlight, Rob's hair is a gentle brown, a soft color. His eyes are dark, however, constantly up to date with his surroundings. He removes his hoodie with ease, beneath said clothing article a plain white tank top, a few rips here and there but nonetheless the shirt seems fine. Inside the barn once again Syrup pays us no mind, and all Rob grabs is two objects. One's a rake and the other an axe. He tosses the rake at me.

"You can clean up all the leaves and pile them somewhere on the property, I could care less where. I'll be chopping up firewood." Moving past me, Rob goes back outside, and I follow for a few short seconds before realizing that I'm not supposed to be trailing him anymore. I stand in place, and watch him walk away, and somewhere deep down I have this urge to ask him to come back. I don't, not like I could if I even want too. That urge bugs me, though. I get to work.

Trying my best to rake up all of these leaves that are dancing around on the floor, I do my best to avoid the flowers. They're all so beautiful, I'd hate to kill one of them. The sun is shining brightly, beating down on my skin as I work, Rob having disappeared some time ago. _How much of an area do I need to clean up? How long will we be working?_ I sigh, standing up straight for a second before bending back over and continuing. The longer I continue; the longer questions have to form within my head. _Where am I from? What does Manama mean? Why do I keep spacing out? Why are there voices in my head…?_

The work continues for what feels like hours, though I must say I've gotten a lot done in however long we've been working. _Where's Rob?_ As I look around, I can see a few stray piles here and there along the forest line, from the leaves I've been moving out of the yard. The grass beneath is showing itself more now that the leaves are gone, and there are a whole lot more flowers as well. A wind blows through with just enough power to send my hair to the side. I reach up and move the hairs behind my ear again, sighing. Rake in hand, I begin to wander around, trying to find Rob.

The forest looms beside me as I walk around its edge, peering briefly into its darkness. I can hear crows and other things as I watch Rob's home, walking around the clearing. No sign of him. It's evident where I've been working, the front yard all clean while the sides and the back aren't. I take a slow breath, another breeze sweeping through as an eerie feeling settles over this place. _Where are you?_ I pause, clinging tightly to the rake in my hand as I glance back into the dark forest. There's this path, hidden by leaves and shroud by some of the darkest shade I've ever seen. It's almost like a cave. There's this warmth surrounding me the longer I stare at it, stare at what's there. What's not there. And it almost feels like it's staring back at me. I feel warmer and warmer the longer I stand here, the closer I get to whatever I'm seeing. One step, two steps, three… My pace is slow and yet I feel like I'm running at it and getting nowhere. Four, five, six… There's this pressure sitting on my chest, this pressure that eases when I release all the air in my lungs and don't suck up anymore of the substance. Seven, eight, nine…

"HEY!" I jump away from Rob as he suddenly grabs my arm, the man scaring me. "What the _hell_ are you doing?" I look back towards the path, but nothing is there. Nothing but a "DANGER: RAVINE AHEAD" sign, anyways. It's only now that I notice how much I'm shaking, how cold it actually is… how tightly Rob is gripping my arm, that lingering fear in his angry gaze. "Didn't I tell you to clean up the yard? Where were you trying to go- what did you think you were doing?" Rob is yelling at me, but I can only stare at his chest. I'm holding my left arm to my own chest, my right arm badly shaking, just like the rest of my body, though my arm is in Rob's grasp. "Well? Damn it, answer me!" Rob is silent other than his laboring breaths. I glance towards his house, and the house is far off, the trees shading the path I'd taken, though that shade isn't as dark as I originally thought it was. It's just shade. I can see my rake laying on the ground, though I don't remember dropping it… "Don't leave the yard unless you're with me or someone else, do you understand me?" I glance up to Rob. "This forest is dangerous- it's bad enough you were at the volcano and I had no clue! Stop trying to get yourself killed!" _I'm not trying too_ …

I step forwards, wrapping my arms around Rob as he stiffens. I'm still shaking, though now I'm crying. _If Rob hadn't of been here, would I have died…?_ The thought sickens me- I want to vomit. My arms around Rob's neck and my head within his chest, Rob moves his own arms around to my waist, pulling me closer.

"You need to be careful, kid. Your mind can play tricks on you. You'll never know when what you're seeing isn't real." Rob's voice as he whispers the words is dark, and yet it's such a comforting tone to hear his voice in. Rob's embrace is warm, and he moves his head overtop of mine, his grip one of a man saying his last goodbye. "You need to work with me. I need to know that you can handle yourself- that I can trust you won't do something _stupid_." I nod against his chest, sniffling quietly. Rob nods as well. "Let's go back to the house, I was making us lunch." _You were in the house…?_ I nod again, Rob separating our embrace and gently holding my hand, leading me back to the clearing like a child, though the action makes me feel safe. Rob makes me feel safe.

As we walk around to the front of the house, I spot the axe that Rob had brought out from the barn, stuck within a tree trunk base and a pile of cut up firewood all around it. The location of the site is in a corner. The front door lightly creaks open, and Rob leads me into the kitchen, sitting me at the table.

"I'm cooking pork, if that's alright. Spicy grilled pork tenderloin…" Rob mumbles. I place my head on the kitchen table, pulling Rob's hoodie over to me after the man turns his back. I wrap my arms around his hoodie and use it as a pillow. _My head hurts_. I close my eyes and let my mind wander, and all of those questions start to come back again. _Why am I here? Why is the forest so dangerous? Why does it seem like Rob isn't telling me something?_ "Hey, kid." I open my eyes, glancing up to Rob. His face flushes slightly. "What, uh, do you want me to call you?" I sit up, unsure. _I don't know my name_ … "Um," Rob glances towards one of the windows. "I, uh, could call you Flower." _Flower…?_ "I mean, Flower is kind of girly, but um, I really like flowers, and uh, calling you kid doesn't seem right to me…" I nod my head. _If you want to call me Flower, then… I don't really mind._ Rob smiles lightly, almost as if hearing my thoughts. "Flower it is then." And he gets back to cooking, his flower apron tight around his waist.

The rest of the time Rob is cooking is spent in a comforting silence. As I sit here, head down as thoughts run through my head, it's almost like I can hear this quiet ticking, counting out every second that passes as Rob continues cooking. _One, two, three, four, five, six_ …

"Hey," I open my eyes as Rob shakes at my shoulder lightly. "Food's done, Flower." I slowly sit up, rubbing at my eyes as a yawn graces my lips. Rob chuckles, taking his hoodie off the table and replacing it with a plate of food. _What did he make again…? Oh well, I'm hungry_. Rob is sitting next to me, his hoodie hanging off of his chair. "All of that yard work make you tired?" I look to Rob before shrugging, yawning again and rubbing away the dreariness in my eyes. Rob chuckles. "Usually I do everything on my own. In time you'll get used to it, it isn't all that hard." _Are you implying I'll be here a while?_ The rest of the time we're eating, is full of silence.

I stand as I finish, Rob already done. I walk up behind Rob, moving next to him as he glances to me, hands wet from the water spilling out of the sink faucet. He smiles, taking my plate from me and beginning to wash it off.

"The doctor told me," Rob begins out of nowhere as I'm moving back to my seat at the table. I pause, looking to him. "That it _is_ possible for you to talk." He turns the sink off, and moves to dry his hands on a towel. He glances to me as he does so. "We'd just need to work on it for a while. It would take a lot of time, but he said that it can be done." Rob smiles at me. "If you'd like to give it a shot, we can." As the thought runs through my head over and over I can feel the smile growing on my face. _Talking? Talking like you can? The doctor said I have a chance at that?_ I rush towards Rob and hug him tightly, Rob tensing for a split second before chortling, hugging me back. "I'll take that as a yes." Rob determines, placing a hand to my head and messing up my hair. "You'll need to cooperate with me- I'm not the best instructor." I look up to meet Rob's gaze and nod, still smiling. _I have a chance of talking!_

After Rob explains that, we almost immediately start. He works with me for hours, trying to help me form words, or honestly even make a sound. Nothing works though, and Rob can tell that throughout the entire thing I'm beginning to feel discouraged. Rob gives me the hope to continue though. I place my faith in him and he gives me 110 percent the entire time we work together. I know today is only the start, though impatient as I am, my expectations are too highly set.

Eventually we did decide that enough is enough for one today, and now, we're back to doing yard work. This time, though, Rob is also raking. He said that he doesn't need to cut up anymore firewood for today.

The sounds of nature all around us is a blissful peace, the leaves crunching beneath the weight of our rakes a nice buffer to keep out the silence. The work is going by a lot faster with the both of us working together. Rob doesn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself, though, not after the earlier incident. He's keeping me in his sight the entire time we're working, but nonetheless I don't mind. It just means that he cares, right? The forest doesn't seem so dark anymore and my mind isn't given any chance to linger around and create images like the earlier one, seeing as I desperately want to keep up with Rob's quick pace. _I just need to focus on the task at-_.

Out of nowhere there are leaves pouring on top of me, getting into my clothing as I thrash at them, hearing Rob begin to laugh. I spin around and find the older man smirking, sticking his tongue out at me. I look to the ground around my feet. _Did he just pour leaves all over me?!_ I make a face before gathering up a handful of leaves and rushing towards Rob, but Rob drops his rake and takes off running with laughter. I'm quicker, though, and manage to tackle him down into a larger pile of leaves, tossing my pathetic handful at his face as his spits up the small little pieces that broke off from their original forms.

"You're fast, Flower." Rob pants, sitting up as he moves me into a position where I'm straddling him, though neither of us take note of it. I smile, sticking my tongue out at him. Rob sticks his tongue right back out at me.

After finishing up the yardwork, a few more minor delays of chase scenes slowing us down, Rob and I both return to his house for dinner. Seeing as leaves are covering me from head to toe, Rob tells me to go and clean myself up in the bathroom. The bathroom is in the same hallway as our bedrooms – Rob's room directly across from mine, the door I had first seen when waking up this morning. The bathroom is a door I didn't see, one at the other end of the hallway.

Making my way inside, I find the light switch and flip the lights on, freezing the instant I see myself. Dark bags are features beneath my eyes, my eyes a bright, glowing red, like the dying embers of a once hot fire. My hair, not too terribly long, though not terribly short all the same, is a bloody orange color, with low lights of brown blending all throughout it, making the color radiate in some spots and be dim in others, almost like fire, or lava… I wearing this blazer, and a yellow undershirt beneath it. The blazer is a dark gray, with a white collar and white cuffs at the ends of the sleeves. There are two vertical red strips parallel to each other on the front, the back simply plain. My pants are just a light gray.

The longer I stare at myself, the more at ease I feel. _This is what I look like. This is who I am_. I take a deep breath, and reach out to my reflection, our hands meeting in perfect sync against the cold mirror. _This is me_.


	4. Sorry

Hey guys…

I'm not really sure what to say. I just… I haven't felt like myself recently. I haven't had any really spark to write anything since… I don't know anymore. I sit down to write and even though I have all of these ideas and all of these different things I want to add to my stories, when I sit down to write said things I just… can't.

Lately I haven't really felt myself… and I haven't really felt like watching YouTube either. I've been so off this last week that there are times – even right now – that I want to just lay in bed and close my eyes and never get back up… never wake back up- just drift off into my own head and think about why in the fucking world I feel so… just… _off_.

Lately I haven't had any spark to just write stuff in general. I've had so many ideas and yet I never sit myself down to actually implement said ideas into my stories and get chapters posted… And I just don't know why. Maybe I do know why somewhere deep down but right now I have no clue. I've felt like… this… this almost sick feeling when I think about writing down my stories- when I think about transferring the stories from my mind to the keys and onto the computer screen. And so I've been procrastinating… more… and more… and more…

I just… I don't know. I feel like I just might need time again, even if I have no reason for needing it. I'm not recovering from some traumatic social situation and nothing has really happened to me at all. My friends have all been there… my grades in summer school are fine… and my stories aren't boring, but yet… I just…

I think I need time and I know I'm asking this so suddenly and out of pure selfishness, but I… I just think that I need time to think about things right now. I don't know why, but I do. I need to get my thoughts in order. I don't know when I'll be back but I promise you that I'm coming back no matter what. I will not leave any of the sites I post to until each story is finished and you aren't left with any reason to hate me. I will finish any series currently on my sites and any solo books currently posted. For the other ideas I have, I don't have a clue what'll become of them. It just depends on, well, I guess what I decide I'm going to do by that point. I just… Right now I need time.

I guess I just don't really feel appreciated. I know that my friends and family all love me, but I'm not talking about them. I just feel like I'm not appreciated by the people who read my works. On Quotev I rarely get any feedback from my Internet friends anymore on things I post and expect feedback on, and I know it must sound _stupid_ but to me those kinds of things are important. I made a journal about three different original works I'd be (hopefully) posting sometime in the future and yet no one gave two flying fucks and I've come to realize that that's because no one gives two shits about my _works_ \- about the works that are entirely my own and created from nothing… because no one cares about my ideas, all of you just seemingly want my works for the fandoms I write about to give some sort of life to and… I just feel like no one is here for _me_ , and what _I_ offer, and what talents _I_ possess as an author and…

And I guess that's why I'm taking another break. There are a few of you here and there that show me support, but… but I honestly just don't know who's here for what anymore and I'm just kind of tired of it all by this point. I'm tired to the point where I want to lay down and close my eyes and think about why the fuck I just feel so… hopeless… hopeless in myself and I want to lay there and drift to sleep and never wake back up…

And I just… I don't know when I'll be back but right now I think I just need time to decide what exactly it is that I want of myself, and of my writing. And if you're still here when I come back, then… thank you.

Sincerely yours,

Daniel


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